My plan was to do weekly post but today was not a good day for me mentally, so I figured why not write when I am having a bad day. Yesterday I went to the hospital to learn I have a torn ligament in my knee (of course I do). For those who don’t know on top of my mental health issues my physical health isn’t doing so great lately I don’t know if the two are related or what but the knee is just another thing to go wrong for me. So when I woke up this morning I couldn’t help but think why bother? Why even try? Every time I feel life is going to work out something goes wrong. I try not to over react I try to be positive I try to tell myself it will work out, but my depression doesn’t allow those thoughts to stick.. So there’s a constant battle inside my brain one side saying your life sucks why keep living you don’t matter it’s not worth it just give up, but then there’s a little voice that says don’t give up it’ll get better it’ll work out stay strong!! The positive voice wasn’t there before so I guess the fact that it’s there now is some progress it’s only small but I’m sure it will only get louder and louder as I get better. Today I was feeling so bad so down I knew I had to do something to make me feel better I knew I had to do something to change this feeling so I went and did something that I knew would pick my mood up. Of course I can’t do this every time I have a bad day as it cost money but today was an exception. The daily and even hourly struggles people with depression have are not to be taken lightly, our mood can change in the drop of a dime without any warning or any cause. But we have to learn how to battle back from those down moods how to fight them off how to hang in there and stay strong, how to not let this disease win! I know it’s hard and exhausting and will take every bit of you to get through it but if I can do it anyone can. People keep telling me I’m strong I wish I could say I see that, but I do know the longer I fight the stronger I get. These bad days will come less and less frequently and the good days will take over. Maybe I wasn’t ready to go back to work and truthfully I may not have been but I knew I need the money because financially I just can’t afford to be off and do things that will make me happy like go out, shop, or even get the puppy I am dying to get, so knowing I need to work to get those things is what is motivating me to continue to work. If you are suffering from depression and again I know this may be hard but please try to find the one thing that brings you some joy some happiness and when you find that do whatever you have to, to get it and keep. I know things are hard but remember everyday may not be good but there is good in everyday!!

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