I’m not sure how or where to start. I created his blog as not only a way for me to express myself, but also a way for people to see and hopefully understand the daily battles people with depression can often have. Those who know me will probably tell you I am a happy person always smiling, they’ll say I’m strong and a good friend. And on my good days that is very much true, but over the last two years I have been having many dark days. Days where as soon as I’m alone I cry, days where I find myself thinking of ways to end my life, days where I try harder and harder to remind myself that my Nieces and nephews need me. These days have taken over my life, but those who know me do not know this because I am good at hiding it. See I spent over 10 years as a cheerleader, so faking a smile and pretending not to be in pain when you are in the worst pain ever is something I have become extremely good at. Over the last two years I have made 3 suicide attempts, but have thought about it tons more. First my boyfriend and I were walking when all of a sudden I tried to jump in front of a bus thankfully he was paying attention and pulled me back. The next two attempts were with pills both times my boyfriend fought to take them from me and called 911, both times I managed to convince the “doctor” that I was fine it was spur of the moment I will be fine when I get home, and both times they sent me home that same night the second time they did ask if someone would be with me over the next 24 hours but this is our health care system and it is a joke. Honestly both times I probably should’ve been held there for more assessment; although I did not go home and go through with it that is only because my mom, my niece, my boyfriend and the rest of my family rallied behind me and made sure I wasn’t alone for a few days they took away all my pills and took me to my doctor ASAP to look at getting my medication adjusted. I was a lucky one not everyone has that support system!! 2016 has been a hard year for me with this battle, a lot of things from my past are resurfacing forcing me to face them now. I know it will only help me get better but there are somethings I would just like to forget happened. It’s crazy because I was “dating” this guy about 5 years ago and one night he asked me to do something I didn’t want to do so I said no and everything and he ended up forcing me to do something I wasn’t comfortable with, at the time I didn’t think anything of it even hung out with him after I guess because I gave in after he forced this I just thought it wasn’t assault to this day I still don’t believe I was assaulted but part of me knows I said no many times and tried to stop it, but also at the time I was so lonely I just let it go and never dealt with it again. This is just one of things coming up now for me to deal with. I took time off work to battle my depression I tried to go back in August but they wanted me to start therapy first. I was against it but I met with two therapist since then and both have helped me in more ways then I could have imagined. I am back to work but I still struggle daily to remain positive and try to be happy. I still have thoughts of ending my life but they don’t come as often as they used to which is good because being depressed is exhausting all I want is to be happy!! Through out the blog I will talk more about how I’m handling my depression my good days my bad my ups and downs my struggles to find the will to live, I hope this will open some people’s eyes on the daily struggles people with depression have I hope it will help people understand why sometimes just getting in the shower can be the hardest thing I do that day, and I hope I motivate even just one person to keep fighting with me!! Remember every day may not be good but there is a little good in every day!!

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