Today I woke up feeling somewhat happy, which has been the usual lately but now it’s 12:30pm and I’m lying here no motivation to move no motivation to live. Is it my depression creeping back? Is the pain in my knee bribing me down again? The pain in my knee makes me not want to leave see I live on the third floor of my building and the stairs are hard enough to climb with good knees so the pain walking up and down them just isn’t worth leaving my apartment. But if I don’t leave I don’t make money and I’m already so behind on my bills from all the missed time from my depression which is why I fought so hard to go back to work before my therapist wanted me too. I just can’t handle the financial troubles anymore I just want it all to end. I don’t want to feel stressed or sad or suicidal. I don’t want to be my family’s problem anymore. My mom and dad have helped me more than I could imagine they’ve both gone deeper into debt to help me financially and that’s not fair to them as I will never be able to pay them back, because every time I feel good something happens to bring me back down, either my knee or my liver or the removal of my gallbladder that is coming up sometime in the future there is always something. And it’s all overwhelming it’s all too much and I don’t know how much longer I can handle it. My fiancé works but his jobs give him no hours between the two he has he’s working his first shift in two weeks today. Both of us have dreams both of us want to go back to school and better ourselves but how can we when we can’t even afford to live? I’ve been dying to get a dog a puppy an emotional support dog but how can I do that? I know it will help me in soo many ways and I would do anything for one because I know when I have these thoughts I could get up and go outside with my dog and feel better but right now I have nothing to help me nothing to bring me happiness in these dark times. Yes I have my friends and my family I know that and I know they love but I often feel like I’m a burden to them so it becomes hard to turn to them to talk to them sometimes. I know they’ll say I’m not a burden but I know I’m stressing them out they worry if this will be the day they loose me they worry about how I’m feeling daily it’s effecting their daily lives and I don’t want to be the person that causes them so much pain just because of their love for me. This is not my goodbye I will keep trying to fight I just don’t know how much longer I can continue down this road how much longer I can live like this. I’m on the verge of being evicted as I can’t pay rent but I can’t work and it’s a never ending cycle I just don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes I can’t help but think the world and my family would be so much better without me yeah I’m sure they’ll miss me at first but they’ll move on they’ll get over it, they’ll be fine they won’t have to worry about me anymore they’ll be able to be happy  maybe not at first but after time they will be able to be happy again. Again this is not the end for me just yet I just can’t help but to think these things. I just want to be happy but with soo much negativity going on in my life I just can’t find the happiness I need. *Everyday may not be good but there is a little good in everyday*

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