The last few days my negative thoughts have seem to tame themselves, that is until tonight. I want more than anything to be happy and I mean really truly happy again, but every now and then the depression just creeps back up of course it’s worse when I’m under stress, because why wouldn’t it. In the past I used to be able to just shake it off you know? Move on let by gones be by gones or however the saying goes. But with the depression everything seems a lot worse than what it is. Sure I can tell myself I’ll get through it, it’ll work out but I never truly believe. Tonight I am a bit stressed because I have still not gotten paid so I have not paid my rent or my car payment so my car has been disabled so I can’t get to work because my knee is too messed up to walk the distance I need to get to the bus stop especially with the steps on top of it. I mean half the time I can’t even get a decent nights sleep without waking up from the pain. Which is causing me to loose sleep which also isn’t good for my depression. I try to do things that make me happy like window shop and normally it works but tonight I see things dresses and shirts that are meant for a smaller size girl and I can’t help but to wish I was a smaller size girl again. Yes I lost weight but not enough, will it ever be enough? Will I ever again look in the mirror and like what I see? Think that’s I’m beautiful? Will I ever again wake up with a giant smile across my face? Will I ever again go to bed at night excited to find out what tomorrow has in store for me? Of course I hope I’ll have those feelings again those feelings are awesome but now I go to sleep hoping I stay asleep look in a mirror and want to punch it because I don’t like what I see wake up most times already with tears in my eyes. I know some people think it’s something I can control, that I just need to think differently and I’ll be fine and my God do I ever wish it was that easy. I pray to God every night asking for the strength I need to beat this the strength I need to be happy, so if I could control it trust me I would. Of course I see the positive things in life I look into my nieces and nephews eyes and I see their innocence and their joy and that brings me “happiness” except my happiness is as empty as a bowl, my happiness is hallow my happiness is a smile I fake, so people don’t worry about me my happiness isn’t really happiness it’s sadness hidden behind a mask. Not because I don’t want to be happy but because I ginuwinely can’t feel it. I want to I fight for it daily but the struggles the thoughts they stay in the back of my mind and my mind fights itself and the last year the depression has been winning so I’ve been fighting back harder I’ve been seeing therapist I’ve been talking more but it’s one thing at a time, and when you’ve spent a lot of time being told how ugly you are how no one will ever love you how you’ll never amount to anything and many many many more emotional and mentally abusive things by someone you at one point respected enough to call dad well it takes a lot of work to reverse those thoughts. I am a lucky girl now because I have two dads in my life who love me and think I’m great. No they’re not gay (nothing wrong if they were) but I have my dad who is really my older sisters dad but has always love me and my other sisters like his own because he is just that kind of person. Then I have my real dad who I lost contact with when I was a kid he came back into my life when I was older I know he regrets not being there when we were growing up. I know it eats him alive and for the longest time I in a way resented him for it. I convinced myself if he was there my childhood would have been different it took a lot for me to get over that and forgive him but I have, and I love my dad very much. I keep telling him and my mom it’s not their fault and it’s not I really need them to know it’s not their fault I don’t blame them I love them both and am working on drawing my strength from them because I am the two of them combined and wouldn’t be who I am without them!!
**Everyday may not be good, but there’s something good in everyday**