On Friday I received a call from my long term disability insurance saying they will no longer support my claim, meaning ready or not it’s back to work I go unless I want to be homeless and have no food. I was supposed to have my first day back today but ended up in the ER last night due to my gallbladder. The good news is my liver (which is a little unhealthy) is still working the way it should :). The bad news I need to have my gallbladder removed (which I knew) it just may need to come out sooner than expected. See if I have problems with it again before my scheduled surgery they will need to remove it in the ER. Wouldn’t be a problem if I didn’t need the money, so for now I am praying to make it to the scheduled surgery because then I would have paid leave. It’s all a bit stressful to think about which probably isn’t good for my situation mentally or physically.. I did return to work before Christmas but they were not ready for my return they had nothing prepared which is why I am not looking forward to tomorrow I know they still have nothing prepared for me to help with my retraining and making me feel confident enough to do my job again. So yes I am hesitant I don’t want to go back I know I will end up being thrown out to the wolves which can destroy any confidence I have fought so hard to build up over the last few months with this battle. I hope it doesn’t I will fight tooth and nail to not go back to that dark place anymore. I know my previous post I have been feeling down and honestly every now and then I still get down but it is not no where’s near as bad as it used to be. See before I started this blog and before I sought help almost every day I had thoughts of killing my I have written good bye notes I had planned the way to do it and this is not just the occasions I wrote about previously, these are other occassions. I thank God daily that I didn’t go through with it I would hate to be the cause of suffering for my family and friends. Now I try to see the good in every day does it always work? No of course not we all have bad days are my bad days worse than yours? No but to me my bad days seem like the end of the world my bad days make me want to give up the fight my bad days make me want to just end it all. So when I have those bad days I have to think of something to push it through me, I have found that strength in the faces of my nieces and nephews they are my life and I couldn’t destroy theirs by ending mine. I encourage all of you who read this blog to learn from me to find that one thing that will give you that strength rather it be your kids, your nieces or nephews, your pets, your friends, anything find that strength that one thing that can make you smile no matter how awful your life is and hold onto it don’t let it go don’t forget it.. If you need to take a picture of it keep it with you at all times just keep fighting don’t let depression win you deserve to live we are all placed here for a reason and you never know whose life you are changing so keep fighting and remember:

**Everyday may not be good but there is a little good in everyday**

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