I am sorry I went so long without writing, I had a rough last couple of days. I have been stressed to my limit on top of my depression, the thing with me and my depression is I find getting out the house really helps me so after having my gallbladder out I wasn’t able to get out and my depression came back full force, worse than ever in my honest opinion. I feared to be alone because of what I might do to myself. Thank God my fiance wasn’t working the days it hit the hardest. I wrote in a previous blog about the dog we got Buddy, with my depression and work still not paying me we decided it was for the best to return the dog to the shelter for him to find a home that could give him things we couldn’t. This decision absolutely broke my heart but I know I made the right choice for him and I know I made it out of love. I know we will get a new dog when I am feeling better mentally and physically. I am healing and slowly getting out more, which is in its own way helping my depression. I go back to work on Monday and I am not really looking forward to it, nothing against the people I work with or the company I work for I just worry about them not being ready for my return again, I worry that I will not do good, I worry about my mental health getting worse than what it is. I know that I can do this and I can get through all of it, I know there are brighter days ahead for me I know all of that it’s just a matter of digging deep down inside and finding the strength to get me to those brighter days, to get through these rough days. Finding that strength seems almost impossible I look for the little things everyday to get me through it could be from the way my nieces and nephew say they love me to a message I have saved from a dear friend. Some days it’s hard to find the good things because some days I just don’t want to find them but other days I don’t have to look for them because they find me. Those are the good days those are the days where it is easy to get out of bed get in the shower do my hair and go out like a normal person, those are the days where I feel I can get better. The bad days are the days I want to stay inside hide from the world end it all, those are the days I wish I was never born. Some days are a mixture of the two one hour I can feel good and the next I just want to die those days are hard to fight as well. But for now I keep fighting I keep finding the strength I keep making it through (for now) I don’t know if I will beat this illness or if it will be beat me but for now I am winning and I won’t give up. So remember:

**Everyday may not be good, but there is a little good in everyday**

Advertisements