I need to get this off my chest, when I was younger my cousin passed away in car accident at only 18 years old. Often I find myself feeling guilty for soo many things 1. That we lost touch for so long before Nan died but the worst guilt is that you were taken so young and I was not. I know what people are thinking why would you feel guilty about that? Well the answer is simple my cousin was beautiful, kind, smart, and so many things I am not I know she would have done AMAZING things with her life and changed so many peoples lives in the process however I have not done anything amazing in my life I have not made a difference in the way she would have. I’ve had so many opportunities with school and have failed them all she would be successful by now. I have done nothing but wasted my life. At one point and time I had dreams and I would do anything to reach them but somehow I lost that motivation I no longer have dreams I longer have the will to achieve anything and I feel guilty because I wasted my life and I know she would not. I know that her and my nan are looking down on me disappointed that I threw all my potential away.. sure I’m trying to make up for it now I’m trying to go back to school, but let’s be serious why would this time be any different? Why would this be the time I finish? I couldn’t fit in or stick it out when I was younger how am I going to fit in and find a way to stick it out? The only thing different about me is I’m older which already scares me. But I mean I have to try don’t I? For them? For my family? Everyone had so much faith in me and I failed (not literally because my marks were all good) I just couldn’t stick it out. I know everyone is going to say I shouldn’t feel guilty and there’s a reason I’m still alive but most days I just don’t see it anymore. I mean why be alive if you’re not going to make a difference if you’re not going to make the most out of your life? I know I know I made a difference in my family’s lives but that’s my family I want to make a difference in other people’s lives. All I want is to help people and I don’t know how. I mean I try and I try but it just keeps failing so I stop trying and just hide inside where I’m alone because I just can’t face the world when all I do is fail it.
**Everyday may not be good but there is a little good in everyday**