Life sucks.. Want to know why? Well because everyday I wake up disappointed that I woke up then I try my hardest to fake a smile for those around me so they don’t have to worry about me anymore because causing them to worry due to my depression is weakness. Strong people don’t suffer from depression only the weak do at least that’s what people say and they may not say my name but I know it’s about me when things like “my parents don’t have to worry about me because I’m not weak” and so on.. And frankly it’s true my parents do worry more about me than my other siblings they worry because they never know if this will be the day that depression wins.. But what they don’t know is that day may never come not because I’m strong and I will beat it but because I don’t want the 3 most important people in my life to think that I didn’t love them enough to stay alive.. I wake up day in and day out in the worst emotional pain of my life and because of that I sleep a lot because well in my sleep is the only time I am in pain it’s the only time I don’t think about giving up, so yes I sleep as much as I can so that those 3 people will have me around another day to say I love them.. I often wish my family would understand how painful and draining and just all around exhausting it is fighting this and that would just let me go because it’s so exhausting and the pain is so overwhelming I just want to be let go. I don’t want to fight anymore, what am I fighting for? To spend my days sleeping? To be invisible to the world? To continue to be unheard by the people around me? Or because one day it will get better?? Well I’ve heard that a lot and let me be the first to say for me it does not get better it never gets better it only gets worse. No matter how hard I try to stay positive because you know good things happen to positive people good things do not happen to me.. Some are thinking well Kajhlah you’re getting married aren’t you that’s good? No it’s not good it’s not good because some of the most important people I would want there aren’t here, it’s not good because well I can barely afford to eat let alone a dress or better yet the marriage certificate.. I know I know we can wait until we have the money well I have no will to live or even leave my house and my fiancés job is so hot and cold with hours well we’ll be waiting for many many years.. on top of that who wants to be a bride that absolutely hates the way they look? I’ve always wanted to feel like a princess on my wedding beautiful and what not but if I hate myself how can I feel that way? I don’t even know why I write these I’m talking to myself no one reads them just another example of my invisibility… I really am just tired of the pain tired of being a burden tired of making people stress and worry about me when I am not worth the stress or the worry..

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