I have a confession, Wednesday night I went to bed happy, relieved, peaceful not because of anything that happened that day but because I had made up my mind. I had decided tomorrow (Thursday) was the day I was going to end my suffering. Thursday morning I woke up happy and ready to do it but Joe was home so I went back to sleep (my happy place) I remember him telling me he got called into work but I didn’t fully wake up or register the information and as God/luck would have it he walked in the door right as I was waking up to start my plan. So as I seen it my day was now ruined. Joe has never worked such a short shift before so obviously it was meant to be, but I was still disappointed that I would have to continue to suffer alone. I try to be happy really I do, I try to stay positive but every time I do a sh*t ton of bad happens that just makes it impossible to stay positive. I have the life where if anything will go wrong it will. I had an amazing job interview yesterday it felt good but I know I won’t get because that’s my life. I try to tell myself I never know I could get it and that I need to stay positive I started thinking what life would be like to be able to enjoy my work again and there’s always that thought in the back of my mind saying stop getting your hopes up we both know you won’t get it. That would be a good thing to happen to you and good things don’t happen to you, you know that we all know that. Just once I would like to know what it feels like for something to actually work out for me, just once in my life. I look at the people around me and they are all so happy and I want to feel that to experience that I want to be able to feel joy and help those who need help but how can I do that when I can’t even help myself? I don’t remember the last time I laughed without wanting to cry or without feeling empty inside. I can’t remember the last time I felt whole, the last time I felt like myself. I just want to feel like myself again I want to be again I don’t want to have these thoughts I want to be free and happy.
**Everyday may not be good but there is a little good in everyday**