So many people say Kay when are you going back to work? I bet a lot of your problems could be solved if you went back to work. And you know what they are right the problems I actually talk to them about a lot of them could be solved by my return to work. But what can’t be solved by going back to work is my insecurities that they can’t see the ones I don’t talk to them about like how I feel like a failure because let’s be honest I haven’t accomplished a lot in my life and when I had the chance to I always gave up. Did I actually fail? Well no I was actually doing very well but I still gave up. Why? well I guess it’s maybe because I was afraid to reach my full potential, maybe it just wasn’t meant to be at the time, or maybe just maybe I didn’t have faith in myself that I could actually do it. (it was definitely that I didn’t have faith in myself). Why is that you may ask, well see it’s kinda simple I know I’ve mentioned it before but I have been told a lot that I will never amount to anything or if that wasn’t being said I was always being asked well why didn’t you do better. I went through high school with the mindset that anything less than a 70% was a fail, I always tried to do my best. But when I would get good grades, grades I was proud and happy about especially since little effort went into me getting these grades I would tell people and there always seemed to be that one person who would say well why did you get a 90% why not a 95% or oh you got a 95% why not 100%, and if he wasn’t saying that it was well your sister got a 96% in that class or your sister did this or that. Now I am not trying to be mean in anyway but honestly I don’t care about my sister I am not her I do not need to be compared to her I mean shit I never even met her. I’m now 30 and still never met her and I still hold so much resentment towards her for that and I am soo tired of being compared to her. I am not her she is not me, see if we were truly anything a like she would be taking her anger towards our father out on us siblings. (and yes my family can say well she just *insert excuse here*) but lets look at the facts here I went over 10 years without seeing my father (I’m told he made effort) but at the time to me he walked away from me he walked out of our lives so yes I was mad at him I resented him I feel my life would have been completely different if he was there but he wasn’t, then when I was 15 he came back into my life and guess what? I found out I had more sisters I was beyond happy about that. I could’ve been mad I could’ve not talked to them because they got to know dad their whole lives and I didn’t I could’ve resented them too but why would I? It’s not their fault dad was there for them and not me, it’s not their fault they got to live the life I wish I did, so I embraced them to this day I am so happy that I met them and now have 3 more sisters and a brother I never had growing up. I couldn’t even imagine taking my anger out on them and not wanting anything to do with them because of something dad did. So no me and her are nothing a like so please stop comparing me to her. Enough about that though let’s talk about other things going back to work won’t help me with, it won’t help me get over my sexual assaults that happened to me through out my life, it won’t help me feel happy and joy again, it won’t help me learn to love myself and my self worth again, these are just some of things that going back to won’t help. I mean yes I can go back and be somewhat financially  stable but I am so mentally unstable right now is it really worth it? I guess these are questions I need to ask myself, but for now remember:

**Everyday may not be good but there is a little good in everyday**

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