Today was an emotional roller coaster one minute I would be okay and the next I am eyeing the knife on the table, a moment of weakness yes followed by a moment of strength because as soon as I realized I was having that thought I asked my fiance to move the knife from my sight. And just like that the thought was gone. Now don`t get me wrong I still think the world would be better without me but I am fighting those thoughts and even though I struggle with them all the time I will continue to fight them!! I know it`s going to be hard I will have more moments of weakness I just need to make sure they are followed by moments of strength, days will be rough lately they have always been but I can get through them one hour at a time. Right now it feels like I am in a black hole that I just can`t get out of, almost like a vicious circle with no end so I pray and hope that there is an end that things will get better that my strength will continue to grow and I won`t cave to the bad thoughts. I pray and I hope that one day I will wake up and I will see the joy in life again that I will look outside and see the beauty around me and realize that yes life does have so much to offer me. Right now I don`t see that right now I just see how life is crushing my soul how it is literally sucking the life out of me, I just see the ugly all around and I can`t help but wonder why me? I know what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger but aren’t I strong enough already? When will life bring something good to me? I know what you’re going to say Kay if you stay positive, positive things will happen. Well let me start by saying that I spent most of my staying positive and it got me no wheres, when I do start thinking and feeling positive about life it finds a way to make me question everything. I know I know just get over it right?? Well that is easier said then done, how can I get over it when I have never even dealt with it? How do you forgive someone who isn’t sorry? How do you forgive yourself? but mostly how do I begin to get over it?? Can you tell me how? I am not being rude I am just stating how I feel.. There are things people will say I am assuming to try to help but they don’t help at all things like “just get over it” or “it could be worse” or “just snap out of it” as if I could just wake up tomorrow and be happy as can be.. Trust me I have tried, and tried and tried and tried and you know what I will even try again tomorrow, but that is not how depression works I know that and it’s time other people learn that. Oh but Kay why don’t you just change the way you think? Well I have tried that too but those negative thoughts just creep their way back in and slowly get stronger and stronger in my head I try to keep them quiet and sometimes I can but lately most times they just yell back stronger than ever. It’s like I’m driving down the highway on the wrong side of the road about to crash head on so I try to avoid it but the car just won’t switch lanes no matter how hard I try to turn the car. As of right now I still haven’t crashed so I will continue to try and try to get my car in the right lane again.
**Everyday may not be good but there is a little good in everyday**
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