Last night I went to bed in a terrible mood the last few days have been rough, I am barely surviving and not just mentally anymore. This morning didn’t start much better I woke to some bad, I sat and thought to myself this is it this is the end things couldn’t possibly get any worse the only I have left to loose is my home. As I am anxiously waiting for Joe to get ready and head out to a job fair (anxious because I know as soon as he leaves I am making that final attempt, no one will be here to save me this time) I go on facebook, while I am scrolling through my news feed I see post about a friend who took his own life 15 years ago. 15 years ago my world along with his other friends and his families world changed forever. As I’m reading these post I am remembering how I felt when I found out “was there more I could’ve done, I didn’t know he reached this point, why didn’t he tell someone how bad he was really feeling?” the hurt, the anger towards the people who were bullying him, the wanting to go back and just be able to ask how he was truly doing, to this day I would give anything to go back in time and just be able to reach out more, and I’m sure I’m not the only one. So much happened in the days that followed the hurt just ate everyone up inside, we all wondered why? and wished there was more we could’ve done and I’m sure there is more I should’ve done. All of these thoughts and memories came flooding back it was as if it just happened yesterday, I could see me walking up to his best friends and them just falling apart in my arms as I try my best to comfort them. I see me hugging his parents and his brother (even though he towered over me), I can feel the tears that all of his loved ones cried that day. And today as I sat and thought about the day Emmet left us I found myself asking him to be me strength today, because our friends shouldn’t have to loose me the same way. Our friends shouldn’t have to wonder if there was something they could’ve done for me, because they have been amazing during this time. I don’t want my family to have to feel that pain. I’ll keep asking for strength so I can keep fighting because I know now as much pain as I cause my family friends by being alive I will (I think) cause them more pain if I let my depression win. Emmet before I could only imagine how dark of a place you were in when you left us, but now, well now I know it is a much worse place than I ever imagined (between you and me I still wish I succeed one of the times I tried) but for now I’ll try to remember:

**Everyday may not be good but there is a little good in everyday**

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