I’m not going to lie just about everyday I have felt suicidal, I know what is so bad in my life I’d want to do that? Well 1. I suffer from depression; have you ever had depression? Yes? Then you know how I feel no? Then think of a time in your life where you had to mentally strong, maybe it was a time one of your friends/family members passed and you had to be strong for another friend/family member, ok you got that time? Remember how exhausting that was? Remember how much you just wanted to break down but you couldn’t? Well take that feeling times it by let’s say 10 (because the person you need to be strong for is you) then imagine doing it every single minute that you are awake. Are you still with me? Yes, but you probably still don’t understand why that would make me want to die right? Well number 2. With this battle everyday I am exhausted yes and just want the pain to end yes but also this feeling and fighting has taken the joy out of life. Of course I can fake a smile and say I’m ok I was a cheerleader for 10 years I had to smile through anger, hurt, disappointment, injuries, concussions, and so much more so yes I have no problem looking at you and smiling and convincing you that I’m ok, and you know I may even laugh with you I may even convince myself for a brief moment that I am happy but then the emptiness kicks in and I realize my happy is probably equal to your ok. My happy isn’t happy it’s just me going through the motions that I know I’m supposed to go through to convince you that I am ok. I know that doesn’t seem to bad right? Well 3. My anxiety, my anxiety tends to stop me from leaving the house especially alone. Last time I went out alone I spent the whole 5 min walk thinking about how much everyone who walked past me hated me, I spent the whole 5 min walk telling myself I can do this and I need to do this to get better, I spent the whole walk fighting my thoughts trying to calm myself down, and I haven’t been out since. Not being able to leave your house alone without these thoughts is a feeling I can’t explain. Still not bad enough? Ok let’s talk about my stress levels now on top of all this I haven’t been getting paid from work which means I’m probably one week (maybe another month if I’m lucky) away from being evicted, my power may be cut off soon honestly I’m surprised it hasn’t been as I don’t remember the last time I paid it, my car was repoed so I have no way around or to my appointments and before you say bus please refer to the anxiety part again, and let’s not even talk about my empty fridge and cupboards. I also have the stress of knowing that my mom wants to help me more than she does but she can’t make money grow on trees she can’t heal my brain with magic so she does all that she can and so does my dad I appreciate that but it also adds stress because I know I’m causing them pain and worry I know I’m taking things from them they need for themselves so yes I am stressed and yes I feel like a burden to them, and they would be better off without me. Maybe not emotionally at first but financially and physically they would be. So yes the next time you ask me if I’m ok I will look at you and smile and tell you I’m fine, but deep down I’m probably wishing I wasn’t even alive.
**Everyday may not be good but the is a little good in everyday**