Hi guys! I’m sorry for the lack of writing I’ve had a bit of a rough go and I know that is when I should be writing the most but this rough go was different. See this rough go when I took the pills I had no intention of stopping this rough go I spent every minute of every day wishing I wasn’t alive and then thinking of the best way to go. Car accident? There’s no guarantee that’ll work. Pills? I’d have to take a lot to finish the job since I don’t have strong ones, Gun? I don’t own one and I don’t know where I could get one.. What about hanging? Well I can’t do it in my apartment no where’s high enough.. See I have thought about it day in and day out I have pictured my partner coming home and finding me (because obviously I couldn’t do it with him here) I have played out in my mind him making that phone call to my mom and her making that call to my sisters then my dad I played out my dad making the call to his other children and I know maybe 2 of them would care. See I have played out these scenarios in my head so many times I even dream about them. It’s consuming my mind almost every minute of everyday so this time I just couldn’t write I was too busy planning.. See a lot of people probably think I’m just looking for attention but the truth of it is I don’t care enough about life to care rather or not I get anyone’s attention. I fight and minute by minute, hour by hour and so far Day by day I make it through and I don’t know how I make it through but I do. And it’s overwhelming and exhausting to have to fight myself day after day.. To have to fight to see the beauty in life.. To have to fight and see that people will miss me.. To have to fight at all. I really wish I could switch places with someone for a day just to see what it’s like to feel true joy and happiness again. To not care about every little thing and nothing at all within the same thought.. I’m slowly loosing myself I feel that the Kay I used to be is slowly fading that girl with the smile everyone wished they had is slowly dying physically I am but mentally I am loosing her and at night I pray that she comes back to me but she hasn’t and I don’t think she ever will. I will just continue to be here physically to make everyone else happy because like always I put others before my self so physically I live but mentally I’ve already died.

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